Me, my Mind and Everyone Else
Struggling with Self-Identity and Expectation
My biggest enemy has always been myself. I struggled with self-identity and self-expression. What I believed was what I became, what I accepted became all that was available for me. Could I try to be someone other than what I saw? Should I say and do what I feel without worrying what my inner critic and everyone else might think? Most of all can I do it without feeling bad about myself? These were my thoughts and have always been my way of going through life. I have always tried to be the perfect example in everything that I did. All that I aspired to be was based on what I thought people wanted of me and the status that it came with.
The Search for Self-Expression
Showing my true feelings was tabù. It was easier to deny myself rather than denying them. Not voicing my opinion was my best option and much more easier to bear. Stifling my feelings hindered my search for self-expression and made them go away. Like a zombie I was never in the moment, no feelings or expression of what I truly felt. I became numb, lacking any form of self-expression. My mind was in control and my actions just followed along. I forgot who I was, the places I had been, the faces I had seen, those happy moments that I had lived and most of my childhood memories disappeared and vanished. All that I had left was just pain, hurt and guilt.
Finding my own Identity
Even now that I am letting go of those behaviours of the past I still find it difficult. Finding my own identity is a constant internal battle against my former self, those thoughts and feelings. Wanting to please everyone, to make them understand and accept me left no room for my own identity. I am not what you think, how can I prove it to you? Should I explain and justify my actions or the way I am, who I am and what I am? How do I convince you that I am not what you think?
Identity Crisis
Sometimes I find it hard myself to understand why I do the things I do. I get stuck in an identity crisis where my self-esteem plummets and my inner critic takes control. The voices in my head take shape and is projected in the reflection of those around me. I have tried to stand firm and believe in my convictions, not let my mind go against me like it often does but it’s not easy. I do things and then I straight away I forget the reason why I did them in the first place.
When I do try to understand my actions most of the times it’s the negative part of me that takes control. The more I believe the more I start losing myself. Drifting away from me, my true intentions, my true feelings and all I have left is the opinion of what I think people think of me.
The Battle in my Mind
I have fought long and hard with my mind and everyone else. The more I tried to justify myself the more I lost myself to those negative emotions. Trying to justify myself was me giving in to those negative feelings. Having self-approval was me trying to convince myself. I know that it will always be like that unless I change those behavioural patterns that I have picked up during my lifetime. It all depends on me.
No one can convince or make me believe what I myself do not believe or know to be true about me. My determination is to give it my all and to not only focus on trying to get everything right. I am learning that it’s okay to make mistakes and to not be in agreement with everyone and everything. Everyday that goes by I am one step closer to my true self. Making mistakes is a natural process of learning. With each lesson learnt I am one day wiser one day more prepared. It feels good to discover what it feels like to have my own identity.
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