My biggest enemy has always been myself. What I believed was all that I became, what accepted became all that was available for me. Can I try to be someone other than what I see? Can I experience what I was never accustomed to? Can I say or do what I feel and not worry about what my inner critic and everyone else might think, can I do it without feeling bad about myself?

These were my thoughts and have always been my way of going through life. I have always tried to be the perfect example in everything that I did. All that I was had to be how people would want me to be and what I thought they would want me to do. It was as if I couldn’t decide for myself, all my decisions were to show people how good I was. “Look how understanding I am, I’ll do anything for us to get along”. I would do whatever it took to keep the peace, saying or showing what I felt would only make everyone get upset and angry with me. I hated confrontation, I hated showing my true feelings, I preferred denying myself rather than denying them. I can bear it I told myself, I can stifle my feelings and make them go away. I got so good at stifling my feelings that they did in the end go away. I was like a zombie, never in the moment, never feeling or expressing what I felt. I became numb, my mind was in control and my actions just followed along. I forgot who I was, the places I had been, the faces I had seen, those happy moments that I had lived and most of my childhood memories disappeared and vanished. All that I had left was just PAIN, HURT and GUILT. Even now that I am letting go of those behaviours of the past I still find myself in difficulty, it’s a battle each day. A battle that is fierce, it’s me against myself, me against those thoughts and feelings of wanting to please everyone, to make them understand and accept me. I am not what you think, how can I prove it to you? Do you want me to explain and justify my actions or the way I am, who I am and what I am? Do you want me to convince you that I am not what you think?

Sometimes I find it hard myself to understand why I do the things I do. Sometimes I start believing what I myself think of me and most times what people think of me. I have tried to stand firm, believe in my convictions not let my mind go against me like it often does and it’s still not easy. I do things and then I straight away I forget the reason why I did them in the first place. When I do try to understand my actions most of the times it’s the negative part of me that takes control, I start believing, and the more I believe the more I start losing myself. I begin to drift away from me, my true intentions, my true feelings and all I have left is the opinion of what I think people think of me.

I have fought long and hard with my mind, my thoughts and everyone else. I am learning that the more I try to justify myself the more I lose me to the negative emotions. I am learning that trying to justify myself is me giving in to those negative feelings, me wanting to prove myself, me trying to convince myself.

I know that it will always be like that unless I change those behavioural patterns that I have picked up during my lifetime. I know that it all depends on me, that no one can convince me or make me believe what I myself do not believe or know to be true about me. I am determined to give it my all, to not focus on trying to get everything right. I am learning that it’s okay to make mistakes, not be in agreement with everyone and everything. I am learning to be me and everyday that goes by I am taken one step closer to myself. I learn from my mistakes and I make use of the lessons I am left with. It feels good to discover what it truly feels like to LIVE.